:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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