i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize