i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
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