I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
