I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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