best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Randomize
