I cut my penus on the lid.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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