We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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