I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
