why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
