Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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