Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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