Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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