Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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