good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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