I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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