HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Houston, we have a blender
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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