this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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