I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize