It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
