I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
