the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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