also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize