you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
