somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
