I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Randomize
