I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Randomize
