you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
