Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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