i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
the liver wants what the liver wants
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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