I don't remember. Are we still dating?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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