he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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