Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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