I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
