I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
