Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
