HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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