Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
