he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
