i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
