The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize