my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
you made out with another girl for some wings
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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