Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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