9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
We need a shit load of segways right now
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize