I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
