Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Boobs speak an international language.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
