Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
he was CRYING into my vagina
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
