She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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