When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
