Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
