I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
