dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
