I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize