Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
