too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
