my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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