my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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