i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
